


Corruption

by JWade



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 08:38:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13971369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JWade/pseuds/JWade
Summary: Sam will do literally anything to bring Gabriel back. Even if it costs him everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Dream Within a Dream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12511688) by [archangelwithashotgun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/archangelwithashotgun/pseuds/archangelwithashotgun). 



> The first chapter of this story is inspired by the story A Dream Within a Dream by archangelwithashotgun. Fair warning, at least parts of this story will be rather darkish.

Sam sat straight up in bed in a cold sweat, jostling the person laying half on top of him. “Samshine? What’s wrong love?” 

He turned to look and saw Gabriel propped up on his elbow looking at him concernedly and he felt a wave of relief wash over him. That’s right. Gabriel’s here. He’s…he glanced down at his hand making out the wedding ring. He’s married to Gabriel. It still seemed fuzzy to him, but reality was starting to intrude. That was one hell of a nightmare. “You okay?” he heard Gabriel ask again. 

“Yeah. I’m okay. Just a nightmare,” Sam said, pulling Gabriel close and kissing him urgently. He was still having trouble holding onto details about his life, probably because he was still half asleep, but one thing that he could never forget is the love that he had for his angel. Gabriel chuckled a bit into the kiss, but let Sam take what he needed, and Sam needed Gabriel, desperately. 

Sam shifted the archangel beneath him, moving his lips to Gabriel’s neck, needing to taste every inch of him and Gabriel gave a soft moan as he arched up into his touch, tangling his hands in the hunter’s soft hair. Sam’s hand trailed over Gabriel’s bare chest and stomach, not meeting any resistance at his hip proving that he slept in the buff. That thought brought to awareness the fact that he apparently did too and he ground his hips down, rubbing his hard length against Gabriel’s. This last bit of proof that Gabriel wanted him was enough to wreck all his control and he immediately reached down to start opening Gabriel up, only to feel a cool rush as his cock was suddenly lubed. 

“Fuck me, Sammy,” Gabriel gasped. He had no idea what had come over his husband tonight, but he could tell that he needed this. Sam wasted no time lifting Gabriel’s hips and plunging in letting out a guttural moan against Gabriel’s neck. 

Sam trailed a line of kisses back up Gabriel’s neck and over his jaw, murmuring, “God, I love you Gabriel,’ just before his lips found Gabriel’s again and he was lost in the sensations. The sweet taste of strawberries on Gabriel’s lips, the warm heat clenching around him as they moved together, the feel of the friction between their bodies, Gabriel’s light hands dancing over his skin, the smell of sweat and peppermint and ozone that he knew was uniquely Gabriel…all of it overwhelmed his senses as he pounded into the man he’d loved for as long as he could remember. Despite knowing that they’d done this a thousand times, somehow it still felt like the first. His hands were roaming over every inch of his angel’s body as if trying to memorize every line and plane for the hundredth time and it wasn’t long at all before he felt himself reaching the edge. He propped up on one of his hands while the other one wrapped around Gabriel’s impressive length and began to stroke. 

“Oh god Sammy…yes…” Gabriel panted thrusting his hips up both pulling Sam in deeper and pushing into his closed fist. “Oh fuck yes…Sam!” he cried out as he spilled over his husbands hand and Sam let out a choked moan as he followed over the edge, spilling himself deep inside the archangel. 

Once he was spent, Sam let himself fall back down, his elbows keeping his full weight off Gabriel while one hand brushed the sweat slick hair from the archangel’s forehead. “I love you, Gabriel. So much,” he said choking on the emotion. 

“And I love you my Samshine. Forever,” Gabriel said softly, lifting his head for a kiss. “That must have been some nightmare. You want to talk about it?” he asked gently. 

Sam couldn’t bring himself to move off Gabriel. Any distance between them would be too much right now and he could tell that his weight wasn’t bothering him so he was staying put. “I don’t remember much, but you…you were gone. I’d lost you somehow. I remember how…how cold and alone I felt. It was like all the light had gone out of my life. I just…I can’t…” he couldn’t keep the tears from spilling over at that. 

Gabriel reached up and carded a hand through Sam’s hair, pressing his head comfortingly on his shoulder. “Shh. It’s okay Samshine. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Ever. I’m yours for the rest of eternity. I got you, love. It’s okay,” he soothed. He noticed Sam’s arms starting to tremble where his weight was resting on them so he rolled them to the side, not losing any contact between them, still holding him tightly as Sam tried to reign in his emotions. “I love you, my Samshine. You’ll never lose me. No matter what. Remember, even if somehow something does kill me, you’ll follow since we bonded and we’ll still be together in heaven,” he pointed out, hoping that logic could help him feel better. 

Sam managed to get himself under control at that and took a few deep breaths. “Yeah. Okay. I know. It was just a stupid dream,” he tried to convince himself, completely ignoring the distant part of his mind that refused to believe it. 

“Just go back to sleep sweetheart. It’ll all look better in the morning,” Gabriel coaxed, and Sam nodded and closed his eyes, pulling Gabriel close against him as he tried to sleep. It took a while but eventually he drifted back off. 

When Sam woke up the next morning, he was alarmed to find the bed empty, and felt the old panic welling up in his chest for a moment. Dear god, don’t let it have been a dream. Then he smelled the aroma of bacon filling the room and heard pans moving around on the stove and the most wonderful part of all, Gabriel’s voice humming. He let out a sigh of relief as he jumped out of bed and grabbed the nearest pair of sweatpants and rushed out of the room. He stopped short at the sight of Gabriel standing over the stove in nothing but his boxers as he flipped a pancake, humming a tune that Sam wasn’t quite familiar with, but felt like he should be. He smiled as he walked over and wrapped his arms lightly around Gabriel’s middle, leaning over to kiss his neck. 

Gabriel chuckled a bit and said, “Careful, Sammy. Wouldn’t want me to burn anything would you?” 

“Maybe I don’t care,” Sam laughed and spun him around pinning him against the counter and kissing him fervently. 

When he pulled back, Gabriel protested, “But Sammy! My pancakes!” Sam could see the amusement in his eyes and leaned down for one more kiss just as his stomach growled. Gabriel laughed heartily and swatted him with the spatula. “Ha! See? You do care. Or at least your stomach does. Now off me you oaf and let me finish breakfast,” he teased, eyes bright with merriment. He didn’t know what had come over his husband lately, but he kinda liked it. 

Once they were sitting down eating, Gabriel said, “Now I have a quick meeting up in heaven this morning, but it should only take a few hours and then I’m yours for the rest of the day, and don’t forget we were gonna go to the doctor’s appointment with April tomorrow when she has her ultrasound. Did you decide yet if you wanna know if we’re having a boy or a girl?” 

Sam’s fork paused halfway to his mouth. That’s right. They were having a baby. How could he have forgotten that? “Yeah. I think I want to know,” he decided in the spur of the moment. 

“Okay, good. Did you want to do some baby shopping after I get back from my meeting? We can grab lunch at that café you like so much while we’re out,” Gabriel asked. 

“That sounds perfect,” Sam said with a grin. Once they were done eating, Gabriel snapped his fingers and cleaned up all the breakfast mess, and Sam pulled him in for another heated kiss before he left. 

Once Gabriel was gone, Sam walked around the apartment, trying to get his bearings. He just couldn’t shake the fact that something about this was off. He just couldn’t figure out what it was. Gabriel was probably playing some kind of prank and moved everything two inches to the left knowing that it would drive him nuts he thought with a chuckle. He walked around the room looking at the pictures on the wall. There was a huge collage of pictures from their wedding and he thought back on it as he looked over the pictures. The memories had seemed so far away, but the photos brought them all back clear as day. He and Gabriel laughing with cake smeared over their faces. Sam had made the mistake of thinking that Gabriel wouldn’t want to waste the cake by doing the traditional smash and quickly retaliated when he realized that he’d been wrong. 

Dean standing by Sam’s side patting his back. Sam remembered how much of a nervous wreck he’d been. He’d just known that Gabriel had been pranking him all along and wasn’t going to show up. The next picture was of them standing next to each other. Of course, Gabriel had shown up. As soon as he’d seen the archangel it was like all of his nerves and fears just evaporated. Their first kiss as husbands. Sam remembered how Gabriel, typically, had tried to take it too far and turn a G rated kiss into NC-17 territory before Dean had to intervene. Sam laughed at that memory and turned his attention to the picture of their first dance. That’s right. That’s the song that Gabriel was humming this morning. Broken Road. He’d stepped on Gabriel’s feet a few times and the archangel relentlessly teased him for it, but he remembered the pure joy in his eyes never dimmed. 

Sam sat down on the couch, pulling out a photo album from the underside of the coffee table. He was rather enjoying his little trip down memory lane. He spent the next couple hours looking through photos and thinking back on their life to this point, and now they were having a baby. He was both excited and terrified. By the time Gabriel returned a couple hours before lunch, Sam was feeling quite nostalgic. 

Gabriel came over and leaned over the back of the couch, kissing his husband’s shoulder as he said, “Might want to get dressed if you still want to go shopping.”

“Right. Yeah. I guess I lost track of time,” Sam said, turning his head for a real kiss as he got up. The rest of the day was spent shopping for the generic things they could buy without knowing the sex. The crib, car seat, playpen, diapers, wipes, bottles, pacifiers, etc. They would do a shopping trip for clothes and to decorate the nursery another day. By the time they got home for dinner, Sam was exhausted. Thankfully, Gabriel was just able to snap the items home rather than actually having to lug it all inside and put it away. The next day they found out that they were having a boy, but it was a few weeks before they had another shopping trip. Sam only had half a day off work for the doctor’s appointment. 

The next few months were the happiest of Sam’s life. He’d been on cloud nine. He remembered that his new outlook on life started with a terrible nightmare and he couldn’t help but be grateful to it. It was three months after that night when it happened. He was on his way out for work and was kissing Gabriel goodbye when he heard someone call his name. He pulled back and screwed up his face confusedly as he looked around. Why would he be hearing Dean? And why did his brother sound so panicked? After a second, he just shrugged it off and leaned in for another kiss from his husband. It turned into a long lingering kiss as they usually did these days and then he heard it again. Dean’s voice calling his name in a panic and he started to feel a little woozy. His vision was blurring and he started to lose his footing and he was getting a really bad feeling about this. “Gabriel…help me…” he begged, reaching out for his husband as he started to fade away. He felt a sharp slap to his cheek as his vision refocused on an abandoned warehouse and he was lying on the floor, Dean standing over him. He could feel his heart breaking as he looked around but it wasn’t until he saw the dead djinn laying there that he knew. “NOOO!” He screamed, sitting up frantically. “No. Bring him back. Please. Please just let me…” 

Dean grabbed Sam, tightly to keep him from hurting himself. He was still weak from his ordeal or he would never have been able to hold onto him when he was like this. “Easy, Sam. It’s okay. I got you,” he tried to calm him down. 

“No! It’s not okay! Nothing is okay!” Sam yelled, pushing Dean away, a burst of adrenaline aiding the motion despite his weakness and he scrambled to his feet, walking over to the dead djinn and started kicking him. “I hate you! Bring him back! Damn you!” He knew he was being unreasonable and more than a little crazy, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted Gabriel back. He wanted to wake up next to his husband and get ready to greet their son. Their son was due in a month. He just wanted it back. All of it. It didn’t take long before the last of his strength faded and he fell to his knees and nearly fell further if his brother hadn’t caught him. Even as he was losing consciousness he just kept chanting, ‘bring him back’ over and over again.


	2. Chapter 2

Three months after the djinn incident and Dean was at the end of his rope. He just didn’t know what to do with Sam. He was barely eating, barely sleeping, and just spent every moment holed up in the library researching god only knew what. Every time he tried to get close enough to see, Sam just snapped at him and started a fight. He’d managed to get him to eat at least a little bit by putting plates of finger food next to him while he was reading whatever he was reading, but short of drugging him he didn’t know how to make him sleep. He’d done it a few times already and it never ended well once Sam actually woke up, but what else was he supposed to do. He knew this had something to do with the djinn dream he was in, but aside from his nearly psychotic break when he got out, he refused to say a word about any of it. He’d even gotten Cas and Jodi and Charlie together to do a kind of intervention, but Sam just blew it off and now he had two upset women worrying about the situation constantly too. Maybe it was about time to try that again anyway. It had been over a month since the last time. 

Sam was pouring over book after book. He had notebooks full of notes. He didn’t know if what he wanted existed, but if it didn’t then he would make something. He would bring Gabriel back one way or another. It was over three months of constant study before he grabbed a book that he’d been avoiding until now. He knew that anything in this book was crossing a line he might not be able to come back from, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not now that he knew what it was like. This life was suffocating him. He couldn’t live without his angel. No matter what it took. He didn’t care that the magic in this book could easily be classified as black. That this book was second only to the fabled Book of the Damned. It took a few hours of searching before he found it. He finally had the answer. He skimmed over the spell/ritual and felt the first stirrings of doubt enter his mind, but the idea of giving up was even worse so he pushed them away. 

No sooner than he made that decision, he heard voices outside the library. Apparently, it was time for another intervention. Well, he was going to surprise them this time. There was no way he’d be able to pull off something like this under Dean’s nose anyway. He tore the pages he needed out of the book and hastily hid it, pulling a far more innocent book in front of him as Dean, Cas, Jodi, and Charlie came into the library. “Look. Sam. We’ve put up with this for a long time now, but I’m worried about you. We all are,” Dean started as they sat down surrounding him. 

“Honey, I know you went through something terrible, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You have to start taking better care of yourself. We care about you and we don’t want to lose you,” Jodi said gently reaching out to take his hand. 

“Yeah, Come on Sam. I need my big brother back,” Charlie said landing a playful punch on his arm. 

Sam closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, wanting them to believe that he heard them. That he was listening. “Yeah. Okay. You’re right. I know you’re right. I just…” He trailed off opening his eyes and giving them his best puppy dog eyes. “I don’t think I can do it here. Where all this just…I think I need some time and…and some space.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked worriedly. 

“I mean, I need to figure things out. Figure out how to get past this. As long as this library is here tempting me, I’m not gonna be able to do it. I need to get away for a while. Alone.”

“You expect us to just let you go off somewhere alone in your condition? We’d have no idea if you were taking care of yourself or if you were lying dead in a ditch somewhere,” Jodi pointed out. 

“How about this. I will swear to you that I will eat three meals a day and get at least five hours of sleep every night. I’ll check in once a day by text and call once a week. That way I get my space and you know I’m okay,” he suggested. 

Dean didn’t like this at all, but he had no idea what else he could do but accept it. He just wanted his brother back and if this was what it took then he would deal. “Fine. But first time I don’t hear from you, I’m calling in the calvary and we’re coming to get you. Deal?” 

“Deal,” Sam told him.

“And you’re eating something and getting a full night’s sleep tonight. You can leave in the morning,” Charlie added. 

“I can do that,” Sam told them. “Let me just clean up in here and get everything put away and then I’ll be in the kitchen for dinner,” he promised. 

After dinner, he went to his room and packed up. He made sure to take anything he might need. Angel blade, demon killing knife, tranquilizer gun with plenty of darts, lockpick set, everything he would need to break into places, and a myriad of other just in case items and he hid the pages he tore from the book in his bag as well. At Dean’s urging, he joined them for a movie before bed, and the way he kept glancing back at the library door told them that Sam was right about needing to get away for a while. Little did they know, he was just trying to make sure that he had hidden the book well enough to avoid discovery. 

After the movie, he went to bed and was pushed into breakfast the next morning as well before he was finally allowed to leave. He was reminded to check in daily and call once a week and eat and sleep and so on before he grabbed one of the old cars from the garage and headed out. He knew that he would need a home base and it was an easy decision where to go. He would need two things from there anyway. Gabriel’s body and something that belonged to him. He was headed to Muncie, Indiana. Hopefully the body was still in good enough shape to be used for the spell. He wouldn’t put it past Gabriel to have some sort of preserving spells or something on it in case he needed to abandon it for a while. That’s what he was banking on anyway. There was an alternative if that wasn’t available, but it was much more difficult, both technically and on his conscience. 

He got to the old hotel just after nightfall, having driven straight through, only stopping at a drive-thru for lunch and dinner remembering his promise before he left. The place was pretty run down. All the magic the gods had worked on it back then had long faded, but there were still a few beds worth sleeping in with roofs that looked halfway stable. He sat down on one of them and grabbed his bag. He hated that this place was in the middle of nowhere but at least there was a stream out back that he could wash up in and he had stocked up on canned food and other nonperishables at a gas stop so he was set for a couple weeks at least. It was just like camping, which is what Dean thought he was doing. Getting in touch with nature and all that. 

He pulled out the spell and looked over it again, grabbing his notebook to work on his plans to get the ingredients. Seven gallons of human blood…unfortunately it had to be pure so he couldn’t just rob a blood bank. But he could make sure that the humans he killed deserved it at least. Maybe he could highjack a prison transfer truck somewhere. The tranquilizer gun would come in handy for the guards. Seven gallons of demon blood. That would be relatively easy. He hated killing a demon’s meatsuit along with it, but it wouldn’t be the first time and probably not the last either. He could either go hunting demons himself, but that would take a while. Maybe he could make a deal with Crowley. He wouldn’t offer his soul. That would belong to Gabriel, but he was sure he could think of something else he might want in exchange for a few of his prisoners. He’d even let Crowley be the one to bleed them if he was into that sort of thing. The grace of seven angels. That one might be a little more tricky. Sure, since the angels fell a few months ago they were everywhere, but they usually travelled in groups, forming alliances and factions. They did fight a lot though. Maybe he could position himself near one of their fights and take out any stragglers. That could work. The main sticker was the fresh heart of a virgin. He briefly remembered a spell mentioned long ago that called for that ingredient. Ruby had suggested it and Dean shot it down immediately. Thankfully there was an addendum with a spell to recognize a virgin. He figured he could stake out a hospital emergency room and wait for a dying virgin to come in. It would be the best way to get it. Archangelica essence should be able to be bought at just about any occult shop along with a lot of the other minor ingredients. Angel feathers might be tough, but he could always force them out of someone before he took their grace. This was all doable. Once he’d gotten as far in planning as he would tonight, he laid down and went to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, as soon as he woke up, he sent a text to Dean and then grabbed a can for breakfast before calling Crowley. He would need to know if he could secure Crowley’s cooperation before making any further plans. “Moose! To what do I owe the pleasure,” Crowley answered. 

“I need a favor and I need you to keep it quiet that I’m even asking,” Sam said, getting straight to business. 

“What kind of favor and why should I help you morons?” Crowley asked. 

“First, there’s no plural. This is just me. Dean can’t know anything about it or this conversation is over. As far as why you should…name your price. My soul is off the table, but I’m sure we can work something else out.”

Crowley couldn’t help but raise his eyebrow in surprise at that. The youngest Winchester was going rogue and offering just about anything for an as yet unspecified favor? This could be interesting. “Well I’d need to know what the favor is to know what it’s worth,” he pointed out. 

“Do I have your word that you will tell no one, not even Dean, that this conversation ever happened?” Sam asked. 

This was certainly intriguing enough for him to at least offer that. “You do. No one will hear anything about this conversation regardless of any agreement reached or not.”

“Okay. I need demon blood. Seven gallons. I figure you’ve got at least a few demons down there that aren’t very happy with your rule that you wouldn’t mind getting rid of,” Sam told him. 

“Demon blood? Back in that habit are we, moose?” Crowley asked amusedly. 

Sam started to tell him no, but then decided against it. Better that he think Sam was drinking it than knowing what it was really for. “Will you do it or do I need to go hunting random demons?” 

“We have yet to agree on a price, but color me interested,” Crowley told him. If the little moose needed a dealer he would happily oblige. He would even give him a good deal on this first delivery and then when he was good and hooked he could drive up the bargain for future ones. This definitely had promise. 

“What do you want?” Sam asked. 

“I want souls,” Crowley told him. 

“I told you…my soul…”

“Is off the table. Yes, yes. I know. What I’m asking is for you to call me when you find someone who wants something badly enough to sell their soul. That’s all,” Crowley told him. 

Sam considered that for a moment. He wouldn’t actually be making anyone sell their soul. They still had the option to say no. All he would be doing is to give Crowley a chance to talk to them about it. “For how long?” Sam asked, not willing to be on the hook for the rest of his life. 

“Let’s say, one successful deal per gallon. Once I have my seven souls, you’re free to go on about your business as you see fit,” Crowley told him. 

“Only if I get the demon blood in advance,” Sam dealt. 

“And it will be in writing so if you fail to deliver seven souls before you die, then your soul will be an ‘outside contractor’ so to speak until you do,” Crowley told him. 

“Deal,” Sam agreed. “I’ll let you know when and where to deliver it and I’ll need it fresh so don’t collect it just yet.” He was glad that it would be in writing anyway. As long as it was in writing than Crowley wouldn’t be able to weasel out on it either. No sooner than he hung up the phone, Crowley was standing in front of him holding out a scroll. Sam took it and read it carefully, making sure that there weren’t any loopholes thrown in. He even grabbed a magnifying glass and searched every inch for tiny print. Only when he was satisfied that it was what they agreed to and nothing more did he sign the contract. 

Crowley gave him a smug smile as he said, “I’ll be waiting for your call,” and disappeared. He was exceedingly happy with the arrangement. His demons had limitations on where they could go and how freely they could speak with someone who didn’t explicitly offer their soul in exchange. Sam would have no such restrictions and once the demon blood addiction was set deep enough, he would be out there bargaining for all he was worth just to get another hit. 

Now that was handled, Sam could make plans for the rest. First though, he went to dig up Gabriel’s body. He needed to make sure it was usable and that he wouldn’t have to go with the backup. By the time he had him out of the hole and realized that Gabriel really had done something to preserve his body, he was extremely hungry. Eating wouldn’t just be to fulfil a promise this time. He laid Gabriel’s body out on his bed, smoothing the tattered shirt over the hole in his chest. Apparently, whatever he did to preserve his body didn’t hold out for his clothes. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Gabriel’s lips with a whispered, “Soon, my love,” before he grabbed a can of beans and opened it. 

Once he had eaten, he pulled out his laptop and hacked into the law enforcement database. He was looking for a prison transfer and he was in luck. It was about six hours away, but there was a prison that was putting in some security upgrades in their high-security wing and they would be transferring the inmates to other prisons during the process next week. He checked all the routes the different trucks would be taking and found the perfect spot. It would be heading down a deserted road through a forest on the way. He made a note of the date, time, and transport number before he turned to the most time-consuming part. Tracking angels. 

It took him the rest of the day, but he finally found a probable location for some angels just outside of Detroit. That was only a few hours away. He grabbed his bag, leaving behind the food, and hopped in the car and headed that direction. He checked into a hotel and enchanted a set of glasses to be able to see the wings of angels. He couldn’t get them if he couldn’t see them. He was just glad that they had learned that the same enchantment that allowed them to see hellhounds let them see angels as well. The next morning, he wandered around town in his glasses looking for any hint of wings. It only took him about two hours before he saw one. He decided to follow him for now and find their base. It would make it easier to pick them off. It was almost lunch time before he had them centered in an office building in the center of town. He took a break to grab some food for his stakeout and then sat down in the park across the street with a pair of sunglasses over his regular glasses and a hoodie. That should be enough to keep them from recognizing him as Sam Winchester if they even knew what he looked like. 

It didn’t take long before he noticed one of them leave the building alone. He followed for a few blocks before he got an opportunity and pulled him into a side alley, angel blade to his throat. “Give me seven feathers from your wings and I won’t kill you,” he promised. He smirked at how easy that was when the angel quickly handed them over. Once that was done, Sam dragged the blade across his neck, where he had seen grace being extracted from and caught it in a jar he’d pulled out for this purpose. He had only promised not to kill him after all. He’d said nothing about taking his grace. He knew the guy could warn the others though, so he took him back to his motel, tied him up, and stuffed him in a closet. “It’s just until I have what I need and am leaving town then you’ll be free to go,” he told the guy. 

He headed back to the office building and resumed his watch. It was almost sundown when they began to leave in droves. He picked one that seemed to be alone and followed her for a few blocks until no one else was around and pulled her into the alley too. He considered leaving her alive too, but it was too risky. There were only so many people he could hold prisoner. Still. Maybe he could give her a chance. He quickly extracted her grace and then said, “If you can give me your word as a soldier of heaven that you will say nothing of this encounter for at least a week, I will let you go. Otherwise, I kill you here.”

“I-I won’t say anything,” she swore. She could keep quiet for a week if it saved her life. She would have to think of some excuse to avoid the others for that time, but it was manageable. 

“Good. Go,” Sam said and let her loose before he headed back to the motel. Maybe he would give the same deal to the one he had in the closet. When he did, the guy accepted just as easily as the woman did and he was free of captives and only needed the grace of five more angels. It took him another three days to get them all and he headed back to Indiana. 

When he entered the room he had claimed, he sat down next to Gabriel’s body, running a hand through his hair. “I’m back, Gabriel. I’ve got most of what I need to bring you back. I’ll be leaving tomorrow to get the rest,” he told the lifeless body before he leaned down for a soft kiss. “I promise, we’ll be back together soon,” he whispered as he laid down to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, Sam kissed Gabriel’s body one more time before he hit the road. He still had more than a day before he had to be there, but he wanted to stake out the area first, and he figured he could stop by an occult shop on the way and get the rest of the minor ingredients that he needed. Once he had found the ideal spot and put some clear spikes in the road he linked his phone with the law enforcement database through the app he’d added earlier so he could track the truck. Once he saw where it was, he knew he still had about an hour to go. His own car was parked and hidden in the woods nearby. 

He saw the truck hit the spikes and veer off the side of the road and he turned on his signal jammer that he’d paid a pretty penny for before he crept over as one of them was opening the door. The tranquillizer gun quickly took him out and then the other guard was scanning the woods, gun drawn, but Sam managed to change position but he couldn’t get a clear shot, so he had to do it the hard way and rush the guy and knock him out with a blow to the back of the head. He busted the back door open and found the five prisoners sitting there looking like they were waiting for escape. Sam’d had plenty of time to consider how to do this and wasn’t about to be reckless about it. He knocked the first guy out with a blow to the back of the head, unsure if the sedative would interfere with the purity of the blood and then he picked the lock on his chains, leaving the others chained up for the moment. He pulled the unconscious man out to the tree he had picked and hung him by his feet, positioning the bucket underneath him before he cut his carotid artery, holding his head back by the hair to make sure none of the blood was wasted by sticking to his face and hair and that it all made it into the bucket. 

He repeated the process with the other four prisoners and then started pouring the blood from the buckets into the gallon jugs he’d brought only to feel his blood run cold when he was done. He was a gallon short. Shit. Now what could he do? There was no way he’d be able to pull off a hijacking like this again and using blood from someone in the hospital when he went to get the heart wasn’t an option either with all the drugs in their systems. There was only one thing he could possibly do here. There was one other person with clean blood over there by the truck. Could he go that far though? Could he kill a cop? He struggled with the idea for a good two minutes before he decided that he didn’t have much choice. He almost had everything he needed. He couldn’t just let this opportunity slip by. He steeled himself and the walked over, dragging the cop over to the tree and draining him as well, giving him the last gallon plus a bit more than he needed. That done, he quickly loaded up his car and hit the road. It had been just under half an hour that the truck had stopped. Someone would be looking for them soon. 

Sam waited until he was a few towns over before he pulled into a hospital and hung out by the ambulance bay, out of sight of any one casually looking. It took most of the day before someone came in by ambulance who tested positive on the spell for virgins and seemed close to death. He waited until he was stashed in a room and rushed in, closing the blinds and locking the door before quickly and very messily removing the heart from the teenager’s chest. It took him all of fifteen minutes before he was back out the door and on the road. 

By the time he got back to Gabriel, it was late, so he called Crowley and told him to be outside the hotel at seven AM with his demon blood, and then went to bed. Before he went to sleep though, he remembered that he was supposed to call Dean today too, so he grabbed the phone and did that. He assured his brother that he was fine, working through his issues, was eating and sleeping an appropriate amount, and would keep in touch and be back when he could. 

Sam set his alarm for six thirty, woke up, had breakfast and then headed out to meet Crowley. He managed to get the blood without any further questions and very little conversation and got rid of the demon quickly before heading back inside to get everything ready. This was going to be rather complicated to pull off and he only got one chance at this. He arranged the six buckets he had set aside for this purpose and in each one poured one gallon of human blood and one gallon of demon blood, making sure they were mixed completely. The grace of different angels would fight against each other without something strong to bind them hence the demon blood, but demon blood and angelic grace were rather explosive when mixed, but the human blood was a neutralizing agent to prevent that, which meant they had to be mixed evenly. The last gallons of each would go in the brass bowl for the active part of the spell but not until he was ready to start. 

He lined up the seven grace vials within easy reach and the seven angel feathers next to them, then mixed up the herbs and essences in a separate smaller bowl. All that done, he stripped his shirts off and pulled out his penknife to begin carving the runes in his skin. One on the back of each of his hands, one on his chest over his heart and one on his forehead. Then he took the knife and made a large cut on his palm and began to create the specific runic circle this spell called for. It had to be big enough for Gabriel’s body to lay within it and he took great care to get every line and swirl right, and by the time he was done, he was a little woozy from blood loss, but he had expected that. He grabbed a bottle of water and a can of beans to replenish himself before he was ready to begin. 

After his lunch he went and got Gabriel’s body, lying it gently in the center of the circle, placing the virgin heart on his chest just over where his own heart would be. He grabbed Gabriel’s mostly intact shoe that he was going to use for the personal item, and dropped it in the large bowl. He lit the flame below the herb bowl and grabbed the remaining gallon of demon blood and human blood in each hand and poured them over the shoe together while beginning the chant that he had memorized. Once he reached the right point, he dropped the first angel feather into the mixture, chanted some more and then opened the first bottle of angel grace, watching it mix with a cloud coming up from the large bowl and mingling with the smoke from the burning herbs before it flew into Gabriel’s body. Good. That meant he was doing it right. He poured the next bucket of demon blood and human blood into the bowl, and repeated the process until all of the blood, feathers, and grace were used. Then he said the short chant to finish the ritual and promptly passed out. The human body wasn’t meant to channel that much magic.


	5. Chapter 5

Gabriel blinked his eyes open to see the same ceiling he last remembered. Well, that was strange. He remembered feeling the blade enter his chest, right below his heart. He remembered his brother gloating and then twisting the blade into his heart. He remembered his grace exploding. So, then, how was he still alive. He took a few deep breaths as if to ensure that, yes, he was definitely still alive. He looked down at his body and wrinkled his nose. What the hell had happened to his clothes? And why was he missing a shoe? He snapped his fingers and put himself to rights before he frowned at his hand. His grace felt different. Foreign somehow. He sat up and looked around the room and couldn’t help the, “Oh, Fuck,” that fell from his lips. 

He didn’t recognize any of the symbols, but he definitely recognized the hunter laying unconscious next to the circle that he had been laying in. He rushed over to Sam and put a hand on his head, to see what was wrong with him. Magical overload. That lent credence to the theory that he had done some kind of spell or something to bring him back, but he didn’t know of any magic that could do something like that. He healed what he could, knowing that it would be a little while before the hunter woke up and just looked at him for a moment. He looked older than Gabriel remembered and his hair was longer. How much time had passed? He dug around in Sam’s pockets looking for a phone and turned it on. Over four years. He’d been dead for more than four years. And what the hell had happened to Sam in that time. He looked like hell even if he looked past the dark circles under his eyes and sickly paleness of his skin. He could tell during his diagnostic that Sam had lost quite a bit of blood and was rather sleep-deprived, but nothing too dangerous. 

He continued looking around the room for clues as to what had happened here and noticed a few pages lying next to Sam. He picked them up to look at them and his nose crinkled. What he had mistaken for paper was actually dried human skin. He really hoped that Sam hadn’t done a spell that was written on human skin. As he read the papers he felt his heart sink though. This WAS a spell to resurrect an archangel and as he read on to see what it involved he started to feel sick. What on earth could possess Sam to go to such lengths to resurrect him? And with such dark magic? No this wasn’t dark. This went beyond dark. This was the blackest of the black. Whatever those morons needed him for, nothing was worth this. He couldn’t even sit in this room anymore. Now that he knew what it was he could feel the evil hanging in the air and it was making him itch. He grabbed Sam and transported him to one of his safe-houses, wincing again at the foreign feel of his grace. Now he knew why it felt foreign. It wasn’t his. It would become his as it attuned more with his essence, at least so it wouldn’t last forever, but it was still uncomfortable for now.

It was only about another twenty minutes before Sam woke up. Gabriel watched him blink a few times to clear the sleep out of his mind before his eyes settled on Gabriel and before the archangel could even open his mouth to speak, it was otherwise occupied. Sam was kissing him, hard and desperate and Gabriel couldn’t do anything but keep up for a moment before he managed to wrench himself out of it. He was about to ask what the hell was going on when Sam started babbling. “Oh god, Gabriel. I love you so much. I missed you so much. I had to get you back. I’m sorry. I just…I couldn’t go on after that djinn took you away from me. I just…”

“Hold up there a second,” Gabriel interrupted in a tone of voice that brooked no argument and Sam immediately stopped talking. “Start from the beginning and tell me everything,” Gabriel ordered, knowing that was the easiest way to get to the bottom of whatever was happening here. 

Sam nodded and started from the time they met, falling in love, getting married and then bonded, their lives together, their son and then losing it all to the djinn and spending the last few months running himself into to ground determined to get Gabriel back. “And now you’re back, and I’m sorry I had to hurt people to do it, but I’m not sorry I got you back. You promised when we were bonded, you promised that if you died that I would go with you and we would share a heaven, but I didn’t. You died and I was alone and I just couldn’t live without you,” Sam rambled as his hand reached out to run through Gabriel’s hair. 

Gabriel’s mind was whirling through Sam’s story. He wasn’t sure if it was the sleep-deprivation, the trauma from the djinn dream, dark magic damage, a combination of all the stress and trauma in his life that had apparently only increased since he’d died, or what, but Sam’s mind seemed to have blended his djinn dream and reality into one and Gabriel didn’t have the slightest idea how to fix that. He knew that berating Sam about this spell could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and sends him into a complete mental break. To his mind, his husband and bonded of over a decade coming back to life just to yell at him and tell him he was crazy could just be one thing too many. He needed time to think. “Okay, Sam. It’s okay. I’m back now. Why don’t you lie down and get some sleep. You look exhausted.”

Sam smiled and laid back. “Will you lay down with me? I know you probably have things to do after being gone for months, but I just need to hold you for a while. Please?” 

Gabriel hesitated a moment before he decided that it couldn’t hurt. He didn’t really have anything else to do and he could think things over just as well lying in bed as anywhere else. At least it would keep Sam calm and give him something familiar to hold on to and hopefully hold his mind together a little longer until Gabriel could figure out how to help him. He laid down in bed and let Sam pull him close, unable to stop himself from sinking into the embrace. Despite how it had come about, this was everything he’d ever wanted before he died. 

Gabriel let himself enjoy the position for a few minutes before he turned his attention to the problem. Part of him was tempted to just play along. Pretend to be the husband and bonded that Sam remembered. Pretend that what happened broke the bond and they needed to redo it and then renew their vows. He could look into Sam’s memories to make sure he didn’t mess anything up. Would it really hurt? He sighed. Yes. It would. Encouraging Sam’s little break from reality was not the answer. Bonding with someone who wasn’t completely aware was just sick. He couldn’t do that, as much as he might want to. He had to face facts. Sam’s djinn dream had convinced him that he was in love with Gabriel and Gabriel had to show him the truth somehow. He had to prove that it never happened. He had to make Sam remember…remember that he hated him. Once again, he had to sacrifice everything he’d ever dreamed of in order to fix Sam. How many times would he have to do this? He couldn’t help the tears that leaked from his eyes at the thought.


	6. Chapter 6

He let himself wallow for a little while before he forced himself to return to the main issue. How to fix Sam. He would let him get a good night’s sleep, then get a good meal into him. That much was a given. He needed to be as physically well as possible before Gabriel started trying to tear down his illusions. He just couldn’t figure out how to tear them down without just hitting him over the head with it. Maybe he could try some leading questions or conversations, but if that didn’t work, he’d just have to be blunt about it. 

He stayed there in Sam’s arms until he woke up twelve hours later. Sam’s eyes lit up when he saw Gabriel, and he pulled him into a searing kiss. Gabriel kissed him back, just enjoying what could be his last chance at this until he felt Sam’s hand moving lower. He couldn’t let that happen. If he slept with Sam…he would never be able to walk away. No matter what that meant for Sam. No. He had to stop this. He pulled out of the kiss and got out of bed as nonchalantly as he could manage given his inner turmoil. “Come on. We need to get you some breakfast. You haven’t been taking very good care of yourself,” Gabriel chided gently. 

Sam grinned at him, annoyed that he had stopped what they were doing, but feeling touched that, as usual, Gabriel just wanted to take care of him. They got to the kitchen and Gabriel snapped up a big breakfast and Sam raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re not cooking?” he asked. “But you love cooking.”

“I do, but just this once, you need to eat quicker than I can cook. You’ve been sleeping for a long time and you don’t look like you’ve been eating right for a while,” Gabriel told him, wondering how Sam knew he liked to cook. He figured that the version of him in Sam’s djinn dream was based on Sam’s memories of him given that no djinn would know him well enough to copy the real thing, which meant that some part of Sam must have guessed that he liked to cook. He never thought that Sam paid him that much attention. At least for anything other than staking him when the mood struck. Thankfully, his explanation seemed to appease Sam for the moment. 

Gabriel did his best not to squirm under Sam’s attention as he ate. The hunter was staring at him like he was going to disappear any moment, and that was only increasing his desire to disappear. He managed to wait until Sam had eaten a good portion of his breakfast before he was about to speak but he was saved by the bell. Or the ring of Sam’s phone to be exact. Sam pulled it out of his pocket and answered. “Hey Dean…sorry, I overslept…yes I was sleeping. I said I would didn’t I?...Yeah, I’m eating breakfast as we speak…I’m doing a lot better…I’ll probably see you soon…just give me a little more time to figure things out and all…yeah, I’ll check in tomorrow…talk to you later.”

“He does tend to worry, doesn’t he?” Gabriel asked conversationally. 

“You have no idea. He’s been even worse since I lost you. I admit I’ve been pretty out of it the last few months, but the way he hovers can get annoying. I told him I needed some space to figure things out,” Sam told him.

“It’s more than that,” Gabriel said, seeing that Sam was holding something back. 

“He never would have let me do that spell. He would have made me live the rest of my life without you. That’s why I had to leave,” Sam admitted. 

“He would have been right…”

“Look, I know you don’t like dark magic and all…” Sam tried to defend himself, but Gabriel was hearing nothing of the sort. 

“Dark?! You think that spell was dark?! It went way beyond dark. Hell, it went beyond black. That spell was the most vile, evil…ATROCITY I’ve ever even heard of!” Gabriel snapped. 

“At least it got you back,” Sam shot back. 

“Yeah, at what cost? How many died to bring me back?” 

“It’s not as bad you think,” Sam told him. When Gabriel sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, Sam tried to explain. “I didn’t kill any of the angels. I just took their grace and let them go.”

“And that makes it better?” Gabriel couldn’t help but retort, but Sam ignored him for the moment. 

“The humans, I picked the worst of the worst. There was a prison transfer of high-security inmates. The murderers and rapists and child molesters. I hijacked the truck and took their blood. The virgin’s heart…that was the toughest, but I staked out the hospital and waited for a virgin to come in that was already dying. The only other thing was the demon blood and who cares about demons. I don’t even know if anyone died for that at all. For all I know Crowley just took a little bit of blood from a lot of demons. I just told him I needed seven gallons of it.”

“You made a deal with Crowley!” Gabriel asked incredulously. “And how did you think I would react when I got back to find out that you sold your soul. Do you know what that would do to our bond?!” Gabriel ignored the fact that they didn’t actually have a bond. As far as Sam thought when he was doing this they did. 

“No, no, no. I didn’t sell my soul. I told him that was off limits from the get go. All I have to do is call him when I run across humans that might be willing to sell their souls. Once he gets seven deals from that, I’m free,” Sam told him. 

“Oh so instead of giving him one soul you give him seven? And not even yours? You barter other people’s souls?” Gabriel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“Hey, they still have the choice. It’s not like I’m making the decision for them,” Sam protested. 

“No, you’re just sending a smooth-talking salesman of a demon after them and giving him the ammunition to trick them into signing away the most precious thing they own,” Gabriel said sarcastically. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to get Sam out of a demon deal. The only way out was through. Now how to get through with as little damage as possible. “Okay, look. Here’s how we’re gonna do this thing,” he made a decision and was going to take a page out of Sam’s book. “We’re gonna find the worst criminals in prison, the ones who would be going to hell anyway, then talk them into a deal. It’ll probably mean letting them go free, but we can try and convince them that part of the deal is that they go straight. We’ll get your seven and then you’re free.”

“Yeah. Okay. We can do that,” Sam said. That was a good idea. He probably would have thought about it himself once he actually bothered to consider his deal with Crowley. Gabriel really wanted to yell at him some more about the spell, but there were more important matters to deal with right now and he wasn’t really sure what else to say on the matter. 

“Now. Does the name Jessica Moore mean anything to you?” Gabriel asked leadingly. He knew that in the djinn dream they met in Sam’s freshman year of college, so he never dated Jessica and that seemed like a good place to start. 

“Yeah, she was my college girlfriend…” Sam said without thinking only to trail off on the last word. “But that can’t be right. I met you in my freshman year. We were married the summer after my sophomore year. I don’t…what…what’s going on?” 

Gabriel winced at the fear and panic in Sam’s eyes, but he had to keep going. “Where did you find my body, Sam?” he asked. 

“At the old Elysian fields hotel, why?” Sam asked. 

“Why would it be there? What happened there?” Gabriel pushed. 

“That…that’s where…NO!” Sam jumped up from the table, almost knocking it over in the process like he had his chair that had gone flying backwards. “No! It can’t…I can’t…we were….we were married…bonded. We were having a son…it can’t…” Sam grabbed his head in pain and fell to his knees and Gabriel was right next to him a second later. “Gabe…please…make it stop. Take me home Gabe,” he begged, but Gabriel knew he wasn’t asking HIM. He was asking his husband Gabriel. 

“I’m sorry, Sam. That life we had…it sounds wonderful. It really does, but it wasn’t real,” Gabriel said. He wasn’t sure if it would do more harm for him to back off now or to keep going so he decided to keep going. Like the Crowley deal, the only way out was through. “We met at the college in Ohio. I was the trickster and you and your brother were hunting me. I died at Elysian Fields, standing between you and Lucifer. THAT’S real. That’s what happened.”

“No,” Sam moaned, leaning into Gabriel. “It can’t be. I can’t…that can’t be my life. I…I need you, Gabriel. I need you. I love you. Please don’t leave me.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Hey. Shh. It’s okay, Sam,” Gabriel said kneeling next to the hunter and running a hand through his hair. 

“No. It’s not. Nothing’s okay. I…I’m sorry Gabriel. I just...I love you so much,” Sam cried. 

“The dream made you think you love me, Sam. It’s not the same thing,” Gabriel told him. Sam tried to protest but Gabriel cut him off. “Even if that’s not the case, you need to get your own head straight before you try to figure out what you felt and when, don’t you think?” He knew that Sam in his right mind would be horrified by the idea of loving him, even if Sam didn’t think so right now. He didn’t dare let Sam try to talk him into hoping for anything different. “Come on. I think you need to lay down some more,” Gabriel coaxed him up. Rather than let Gabriel lead him to the bedroom though, Sam went for the couch as soon as he saw it. Gabriel just shrugged. If he’d rather sleep there, then who was he to complain. Gabriel did grab a blanket and cover him up as his emotional meltdown drove him straight into sleep. 

It was lunchtime before Sam woke up, and it may have been the smell of Gabriel’s cooking that woke him, but he stumbled sleepily into the kitchen. It wasn’t until he was sitting at the table that his memory of the morning started to come back. “So, wait. You really do like to cook?” Sam asked curiously. 

“Yeah. Always have. I find it relaxing. I take it you remember things right now?” Gabriel asked, unable to keep a bit of his sadness out of his voice. 

“Mostly. Yeah. I’m still a bit confused though. I mean, don’t djinns give you your heart’s desire? If you’re right, that I didn’t love you before then why…”

“There are different kinds of djinn, Sam. Some feel on your heart’s desire. They’re the most publicized, but there are those that feed on your worst fears, on happiness, lust, anger, pretty much anything. I don’t know why the djinn picked me to bring out whatever it was that it was feeding on, but it doesn’t mean anything,” Gabriel told him, ignoring the way his own heart was breaking as he explained it. 

“But I still think…”

“No, Sam. Don’t. Please. If, when you’re not at all confused anymore and your thoughts and memories are completely clear, you still think you might love me, we can talk then, but until then please drop it,” Gabriel begged. 

Gabriel would have been horrified to know how much he had betrayed in that statement, not just by his words, but in his eyes. Sam just nodded, realizing exactly why Gabriel didn’t want to talk about it and he couldn’t help the little blossom of hope that maybe, even though his dream world was gone, he could get some part of it back again for real. Gabriel had made it clear though that getting his own head straight was the only way that was going to happen so he had every intention of doing that as soon as possible. “Where are we, by the way?” 

“One of my safe-houses. When I woke up you were unconscious and the feel of the evil magic was still in the air and making me itch so I brought us here.”

Sam blanched at the reminder of the spell he’d done. “I’m sorry, Gabriel. Really. I mean, I’m not sorry that you’re back, even if you’re not MY Gabriel, but I’m sorry that I went so far to do it. I don’t know…”

“You weren’t in your right mind, Sam. I’d wager that you haven’t been since you woke up from that djinn dream,” Gabriel pointed out. Now that Sam was actually seeing the real cost of his actions, he didn’t want that kind of guilt settling too heavily on his shoulders. 

“That’s no excuse…”

“No. It’s not. Not really, but there is a reason that you humans have an option of ‘not guilty by reason of mental disease of defect’. Call it temporary insanity. You are responsible for your actions, yes, but you aren’t FULLY responsible. Besides, at least you did try to limit the evil in otherwise evil actions. That does count for something,” Gabriel told him. 

Sam couldn’t help the small smile that broke out on his face. “I know now that you’re not MY Gabriel, but you really do act just like him sometimes. The way you take care of me, try to make me feel better, talk me through my problems. Thank you.”

He could have done without the rest of that statement, but he had to respond to the last part at least. “You’re welcome, Sam.” 

After a quiet lunch where Sam was lost in thought, he said, “I think I’m gonna go outside and think for a while. Maybe do some meditation and get my mind in order.”

“Yeah, okay. If you go out the back there are some pretty nice gardens, or you can go in the woods if that makes you feel better. I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

“Okay. Thanks again, Gabriel,” Sam said with a smile, hesitating a moment like he was going to kiss Gabriel before an expression of pain washed over his face and he turned and walked out the door. 

Once he was alone, Gabriel sighed in both sadness and relief as he put his head in his hands. He’d healed the overt damage in Sam’s brain, but the mental part he had to do himself. He was glad that his intervention seemed to have helped at least, but the loneliness that he’d always felt came back full force with the more distance that came between them because of it. He just wished he could, for once, be able to help Sam without ripping his own heart out in the process. 

Sam spent the entire afternoon and evening outside. He spent a few hours in the garden before he had to get up and stretch his legs and found himself in the woods by a little stream and he sat down, took off his socks and shoes, and dangled his feet in the water as it rushed by. It was relaxing. During all that time, he thought back over his actions of the last few months and realized that Gabriel was right. He really hadn’t been in his right mind since the djinn dream. It was like an obsessive fog just took over his mind. He wondered if it was lasting damage or something. He knew that Dean had been caught by a djinn before, but he hadn’t been under nearly as long as Sam had, and from what Dean said, for the little bit of time he was there, he had been fighting against it instead of immediately immersing himself in it like Sam did. Sam had pushed away all the thoughts of it not being quite right and out of place and refused to even consider them. He lost himself in the dream for months. Well, days outside, but for him it had been months. He had reached for the memories that hadn’t been so clear and soaked himself in them. He may have only been there for months, but he had the memories of more than ten years. That had messed him up pretty bad. 

Ever since he woke up, that fog that had been covering his mind was gone, but it had still taken some time to get past the confusion and get dreams and reality separated. He wondered if Gabriel had done anything to help it along. It would make sense how he was having such a rapid turnaround. He missed the dream world. He probably always would. He missed HIS Gabriel. He missed his yet to be born son. He missed their quiet happy life. He couldn’t forget. He didn’t WANT to forget. He knew now that it wasn’t real, but he wanted it to be. So badly. Only the hope that he could have some part of it back was enough to keep him from fighting the realizations. He had to let it go or lose any chance he might have forever. 

The sun had long set by the time he made it back to the house. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to hit the hay. That thought lasted until he smelled food and made his way into the kitchen to see a full plate, still warm, waiting for him on the table. He smiled and sat down to eat. Once he finished eating, he put the plate in the sink and went to lay down on the couch. No sooner than he got comfortable, Gabriel wandered in with a book in his hand. “Oh. Sorry, Sam. I should have mentioned. There’s a spare room at the top of the stairs, second door on the right. I went and got your stuff and put it in there for you.

“Ok. Thanks,” Sam said with a grateful smile. He wasn’t looking forward to sleeping on the couch all night. 

“You ate right? I left you a plate.”

“I did. Thanks again,” Sam was starting to feel like a broken record, but he was feeling rather awkward around Gabriel now. 

Gabriel nodded in response and Sam headed up the stairs to find the room that Gabriel set aside for him.


	8. Chapter 8

The next few days were spent with nearly silent meals and Sam spending the majority of his time outside either in the gardens or by the stream. He was finally doing what he’d told Dean that he was doing all along. Getting his head straight. He remembered to check in with his brother every morning by text and still had a few days before he had a phone check-in. He hoped to have everything settled with Gabriel by then. Four days after his breakdown, he was finally sure. He had his memories sorted and knew exactly what belonged where. He was ready to have that conversation with Gabriel now. 

The next morning after breakfast, before Gabriel made his way to do whatever it was he did during the day, Sam asked him, “Gabriel, can we talk?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Gabriel told him, leading the way to the living room. 

Once they were sitting on opposite ends of the couch Sam turned to him. “So, I’ve finally got all my memories straight and there’s no more confusion at all over what’s a dream and what’s real,” he started. When he saw Gabriel nod and seem to steel himself for what was coming next, Sam continued. “We met at the college in Ohio. You were the trickster we were hunting but before that you were the cute funny janitor I fell for faster than I’d ever fallen for anyone. After that whole confrontation I told myself that you had just been messing with my head. No way could I be in love with a monster, but it never went away. Not even when you were killing Dean a thousand times. When I confronted you at the end, I couldn’t bring myself to even try to fight. I couldn’t hurt you. It wasn’t until Lucifer rose and I realized what you had been trying to teach me, what you had been trying to stop, that I finally accepted my feelings and then the next time we saw you, you were trying to get us to say yes and end the world.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Gabriel told him. He wasn’t sure how much he believed of what Sam was saying. He hadn’t even begun to wrap his head around the possibility, but he didn’t want Sam to think that. 

“You weren’t?” Sam asked. 

“No. I was trying to keep you locked up in alternate dimensions to keep you off the game board. You remember that I never said a word about you saying yes until you started pushing to get out. I told you that you could stay there forever instead of saying yes, but you forced my hand. I mean, yeah I could have been a little nicer about it, looking back, but I was a bit bitter and more than a little passive-aggressive about it, but it was never about you saying yes.”

“Oh. I guess I can see that now. But as I was saying, at the end of that we found out who you really were. An archangel. The archangel I used to pray to as a kid even. I hadn’t thought it was possible before that moment to love you even more, but seeing the pain in your eyes, the sadness and loneliness…I wanted nothing more than to take you somewhere and make it go away. I knew I couldn’t though. Not yet. Not while I had the whole apocalypse hanging over my head. I was going to fix all that and then try my best to convince you to give me a chance. When you came for us at Elysian Fields, I almost caved. I almost spilled my heart out there, but then you started talking about going to seduce Kali and I chickened out. I…I had no idea that you were going out there to die when you gave Dean that DVD. If I had known I would never have left. Even if it meant dying with you. I thought then about giving you a kiss for luck. Something that you could always brush off later if you wanted to. If Dean hadn’t been between us, I might have, but then you were dead and I spent the next four years missing you and hating myself for not saying something when I had the chance. Wondering if maybe it could have changed things. Then the djinn happened, and it was more than just me having everything I ever dreamed of. It was undoing my mistakes. It was erasing all my regrets. It was everything, and I let myself believe. There were signs that it wasn’t real, but I refused to see them. I let myself fall into it, because the alternative wasn’t a world I wanted to live with. A world where I not only lost you, but never even got to have you in the first place. I DO love you Gabriel. That’s been pretty much the most immutable fact of my entire existence since the moment we met. I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me after all this, but you need to know that loving you is just as real here as it ever was in the dream,” Sam finished, taking a deep breath after baring his soul and waiting for the verdict. 

Gabriel blinked at him for a moment, taking in everything that he had said and thinking back on his own memories taking all that into account and damn it all, but he couldn’t help but hope. He didn’t feel like he could let go yet though. Not until he had his say. “I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. There was something about you that just drew me in like a moth to a flame. I don’t usually let hunters catch me, but I let you. Because I wanted to make friends. I knew what was coming for you and I wanted you to have someone to call on if you got in over your head, but it didn’t work. Going into Mystery Spot, I thought I was sacrificing any chance I might have had a happiness, but it was worth it if I could just save you. If I knew that you were going on with your life happy and free that would have been enough for me, but once again, I failed. That was what the anger and petulance at TV-Land was about. I had sacrificed everything and for what? I was mad at you for that, yes, but I was madder at myself. For letting myself feel. For letting myself care. I knew I was going out there to die at that hotel. I tried to get us all out, but when it didn’t work, I would rather be dead than see you fall. I gave you every chance I could and I didn’t want to be around to see it if you failed. If I’D failed…again…at getting you out of it. Now though…I’m afraid now that part of me will always wonder if it’s me you love or him. If I’m just a replacement for the Gabriel you lost in that dream world. I don’t know if I can live with that.”

Sam closed his eyes against the tears welling up in them. “I’m sorry, Gabriel. I’ve screwed up so much, but probably the biggest mistake I’ve made was referring to HIM as my Gabriel. He wasn’t my Gabriel. He was the one I got to have, but he was just a dream. An imitation. YOU are MY Gabriel. YOU are the one I lost. He was the chance to erase that loss. He was…what I thought was my only chance to be happy. The dream was nice, and if you didn’t care about me at all, I would probably want nothing more than to go back there, but YOU will always be my first choice. He was just a band-aid on a gaping wound. You are my salvation. My everything. You will never be…COULD never be a replacement.”

Gabriel felt the tears welling up in his own eyes as his hope flared larger than life. “Sam,” he whispered longingly reaching out his hand for the hunter and Sam didn’t hesitate for a second before he was in Gabriel’s arms. He buried his face against the archangel’s neck and just breathed him in. Everything was going to be okay. It was going to take time and probably a whole lot of work, but Sam had HIS Gabriel back. His dreams were coming true, and that was worth all the heartache that came before.


End file.
